Twisted StoryArch Masterpiece Theater
by KalliopeStarmist
Summary: The ending CartoonNetwork didn't want you to see. Rose tortures Ed, Dante, and assorted Sins, Roy and Sciesca decide that Bradley's term of office is up, and the truth behind lab 5 comes out! Don't miss it!
1. A Haze of Whine and Roses

Twisted Story Arch Masterpiece Theater Presents:

A Haze of Whine and Roses

A/N: Warnings: There's a little Rose-hate going on here, thought I should tell you. Also, these chapters are nice and long, so pace yourself, take bathroom breaks at the dotted lines, and eat a good hearty breakfast before starting out.

Starring:

Rose: That obnoxious emo girl from Lior

Jay: A Military dude

"Silent" Bob: Another Military dude

Tom: Yet another Military dude

Polly: A cockatiel the Jay and Bob and Tom team found

The Stork: Forget what you learned in health class

The Baby: Rose's kid

Lyra: Rose's personal translator, Dante's _other_ ex-assistant (the one who _doesn't_ vomit blood)

Scar: A really cool guy. He wears his sunglasses at night.

Ed: The token main character

Al: Everyone's favorite enchanted suit of armor

Hoenheim: Not actually a name, but a bad Scrabble hand

Dante: So you know there are going to be seven levels of Hell in this fic.

Sloth, Wrath, Pride, Gluttony, and Lust: Concerned citizens

And Including The Following Anime (in order of mention):

Chrno Crusade, Evangelion, Gundam Wing, Azumanga Daioh

Intro:

Sister Rosette. The nun with the gun. The demon-slayin', Vegas-goin', building-destroyin' Holy Sistah with a 'tude.

This is not her story.

This is the story of a small, insignificant character from a town of morons who went on to become one of the longest-lived minor characters in the history of FullMetal Alchemist.

But this isn't Winry's story, either.

This is the story of Rose. More whiny than Ausuka Langley Soryu on the rag, more clueless than Duo Maxwell and Heeno Uue exploring their feelings, more spacy than Osaka on horse tranquillizers, able to make small children cry with a mere smile, what's that in the sky? It's a bird—!

BANG!

(Camera pans right to Rose, holding up a smoking rifle aimed at the sky. She blows smoke off the barrel, and walks off again.)

Did I mention she doesn't like birds?

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Recon Squad 7, Jay and "Silent" Bob and Tom, was a fairly representative sample of the Military. That is to say, they were corrupt, they were incompetent, and they didn't want to wander around Lior any longer than they had to.

"Can we go home yet?" groaned Jay, kicking open the door to the shop they had been living in until they got their orders to return to the climate-controlled glory of Central.

"You're the leader, you tell us," snapped Tom. "What do you want this time, Bob?"

For Bob was pointing excitedly at the corner of the room they had just entered. It was occupied, by a youngish girl with brown hair (unusually highlighted with... pink?), tan skin, and large, frightened eyes.

"Eep!" she squeaked as Squad 7 trapped her.

"Well, well, well," said Jay, menacingly, of course, "Looks like we've caught ourselves a spy."

"Do ya think she wants to play a game?" Tom leered suggestively.

Rose squeaked again.

"'Cause we've been trying to get together a round of bridge..." the solider explained, pulling out a deck of cards. "Do you play?"

Rose shook her head, whispering, "Gambling is a sin."

The Squad members groaned. "Oh, Lord! It's Ishbala all over again!"

"Why can't we attack a city that isn't full of religious nuts for once?"

"Why do you have to attack cities at all?" Rose gasped, finding her voice, "We are a peaceful people! We have never harmed you!"

Jay, Bob, and Tom exchanged troubled glances with each other, made uneasy by this young woman's sincerity. "Toss her in the back room with your pet parrot, Bob," Jay finally ordered. "The last thing we need is self-righteous speeches from a whiny spy."

Bob grabbed her by the shoulder, but Rose fought back in a panic. "Parrot?" she asked desperately. "What parrot?"

"Oh, Polly," Tom explained casually as Bob led her away. "Bob here found her flying around. She's a good bird."

Rose lost her battle and soon found herself locked in a dark storage closet. Behind her, something rustled, and she turned slowly to face it...

"Polly wanna cracker?" asked a huge, oversized pink cockatiel, leaning towards her.

Rose screamed at the top of her lungs and threw all her weight against the door, frantically yelling, "LET ME OUT! LET ME OUT! I'M AFRAID OF BIRDS!"

"Let me out, let me out. I'm afraid of birds," mimicked Polly.

"HELP ME! For the love of whatever power you believe in, DON'T LEAVE ME IN HERE!"

"Help me. For the love of whatever power you believe in, don't leave me in here," echoed the parrot.

Forcing herself to calm down, Rose managed to convince herself that she had to conquer her fear now, not just for her own sake, but for the people of Lior. She smiled at Polly. "Nice Birdy."

"Nice Birdy," echoed Polly. Rose became more confidant.

"Hello, I'm Rose."

"Hello. I'm Rose," said Polly, who decided on the spot that "Rose" was a fun word to say, so she decided to try it again. "Rose." Fun. "Rose," she whispered in a low moan. Fun!

"AAAAAAAAH!" screamed Rose.

"Rose," whispered Polly.

"GET AWAY FROM ME!"

"Get away from me, Rose."

"KEEP BACK!"

"Keep back, Rose."

_Wait,_ Rose switched to voice-over, which Polly couldn't mimic. _If I don't say anything, that bird will keep quiet!_ Rose curled up in a corner, away from Polly.

"Rose..." moaned the parrot. Rose defiantly kept her mouth shut.

It was nine long months before Jay and Silent Bob and Tom were finally granted permission to return home. Cleaning out their stuff to leave, Bob stumbled upon a door to a storage closet that they had forgotten about completely. Inside, there was a ring of blood around the upper half of the room, and feathers surrounding the huddled figure of Rose.

"What the hell happened in here?" Jay asked.

_There was a bird on the fan. So I turned it on._ Rose tried to explain coldly, only to find that her voice had disappeared after not talking for months. Use it or lose it.

Unsure what else to do with her, they released the oddly-silent, very traumatized young woman, with a vague warning 'not to do it again'.

_Hmm... gotta make it look like they did something really awful to me,_ Rose thought as she wandered home, trying to come up with a good reason for her absence, as well as a way to rally her people around her. _Well, they did do something awful to me, but no one cares about my weird bird phobia_.

Suddenly, she spotted a bird winging over the street, so she picked up a brick and knocked the feathered menace out of the air. It landed almost directly on top of her, so she kicked it away with her foot. A stork. She kicked at the bundle it was carrying.

The bundle started crying. A baby.

She hadn't killed just any stork. She had killed The Stork.

_Oh well,_ thought Rose, cradling the new baby, who was a little bruised, but otherwise fine. Rose checked the ID tag on its wrist. _Hmm... to Sig and Izumi Curtis... Eh, never heard of them,_ she finally shrugged, crumpling the tag up and tossing it over her shoulder.

"ROSE? OH MY GOD! ROSE!"

_Lyra!_ thought Rose, turning towards the voice.

Lyra grabbed her joyously by the shoulders. "Rose! We thought you were dead! What happened? Speak to me, girl!"

Rose smiled and hugged her friend, adjusting the baby a little. Lyra jumped as she noticed the new arrival.

"Whose baby is that?"

Rose kissed the infant's forehead lovingly.

"Rose," Lyra repeated, a little louder and more impatiently this time, "where did the kid come from?"

The baby started crying, and Rose rocked it back to sleep.

"What happened to you, Rose?" Lyra asked, only to have a baby handed to her as Rose embarked on a long and complicated game of charades to explain her adventure.

Lyra, who had always sucked at charades, had no clue what was going on, but she sensed an excellent opportunity to create a terrific legend, to her advantage if at all possible. "So, you were minding your own business... no, even better! You courageously went to the troops to convince them to leave us in peace, when they captured and tortured you... we'll let them figure out where the baby came from, use their imaginations, and when the child was born, you escaped heroically, but were so scarred by the horrors you witnessed, you lost your voice!"

Rose shook her head and went back to doing "sounds like", but Lyra stopped her with a broad wink. "Rose, that's so tragic," she said in a loud, slow voice, "it's good that I can understand you, so we can take your message of bravery back to the people... hopefully they'll pay good cash for it."

Rose's smile showed that she understood.

------------------------------------------------

"Hey," Lust pinned Scar and Ed's respective weapons to the wall with her Death Fingernails to get their attention. "Do you want some help with the whole Philosopher's Stone thing? Because we're looking for it, too, and Glut and I have been doing some research, and,"

"No." Ed and Scar said in unison.

"What is it with men and accepting help from women?" Lust asked herself. "Gawd, and people wonder why I don't like humans."

"Here! Take this locket!" yelled Scar, tossing a handy piece of jewelry at the Sin.

"Are you trying to bribe me into not help— AH!" And Lust fainted and had to be carried off by her little (utterly adorable, I might add) sidekick, Gluttony. A little stunned, Ed picked up the locket.

"Ew! Gross! There's... human hair in here! Oh, that's nasty."

Offended, Scar snatched his necklace back. "Shut up. It's soaked in Wash-Away-Your-Sins scented soap, and it's saved my life several times."

Rose (plus child), who was never far from a main character, and Lyra, who recently was never far from Rose, stepped out of the shadows.

"I think," Lyra informed them mournfully, "if Rose could talk, she would invite you in for tea and crumpets." Scar sighed sadly. Ed looked confused.

"Rose... is a mute now?"

Scar and Lyra nodded, sadly.

Ed jumped in the air. "WHOOHOO! Rose can't talk, Rose can't talk!" he cheered, doing a little victory dance.

Rose tugged angrily at Lyra's sleeve. "Rose says she can still hear." Rose tugged again. "And that you're being an inconsiderate bastard." Rose tugged again. "And you look exactly like your father."

Ed burst into tears and glared at Rose. "TAKE IT BACK!"

Rose glared at Lyra, then tried to tell Ed, via sign language, that she hadn't said that, she didn't even know his father, for Pete's sake! Ed wasn't buying it.

"Um... did you offer us some tea?" Scar asked Lyra.

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"So, we're going to evacuate everyone, lure the troops in, and blow the whole army to Kingdom Come!" Scar finished passionately as the group had their tea and crumpets. "Thus simultaneously creating a Philosopher's Stone and ridding the Earth of the twisted, depraved scum that make up the Military!"

Ed raised his hand timidly. "Um... I'm kinda in the—,"

Lyra, Scar, Rose, and even the baby ignored him.

"Serves them right," growled Lyra.

"Hey!" Ed tried again, "I'm in the Mili-,"

"The worst of mankind, wiped out!"

"That's unfair, I know some really nice—,"Ed interjected.

"The entire world will rejoice!"

"And a lot of them have families," Ed started.

"Death to all Military Dogs!"

"GUYS!" Ed butted in, "_I'm_ a Military Dog, remember?"

The rest just cheered. Or, in Rose's case, smiled.

"It's like I'm not even in the room," Ed whispered in awe. It was clear he had no way of stopping their planned massacre, so he pacified himself by remembering that all the "Military Dogs" he was friends with were first-rate slackers, and all had long lists of spare excuses to avoid any actual combat. (Please note that in the show, Roy and the Mustangettes all conveniently arrived a day late for the battle.)

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And several days later, Ed found himself accompanying Lyra, Rose, and the baby out of Lior via a giant tunnel. (Hey, why not?)

And Wrath found himself accompanying Sloth to what he was convinced would be certain death for her. "This is really dangerous. If Angry Mommy found out that Other Daddy asked you to do this, he would kick Other Daddy's ass!"

"Watch your language," Sloth scolded automatically.

"What if he attacks you? You aren't going to have the heart to kill your own—,"

"That's not your problem. Now be quiet."

---------------------------------------------

Lyra, surprisingly, left Rose's side to walk by Ed (who was brining up the rear). "So, FullMetal. What do you plan on doing once we're out of Lior?"

"Oh, I'm going right back. To look for my brother."

This was not the answer Lyra had hoped for, but she went with it. "It's sweet how you two watch out for each other."

"Um... thanks?" A sweat drop appeared on Ed's brow. He wondered if it would be polite to ask her to take a few steps away from him.

"But, don't you ever get... lonely?" Lyra asked coyly, "After all, other sixteen year old boys would have... other things on their minds..."

"Hey!" Ed objected, catching her drift. "I could have any number of beautiful fangirls if I so chose!"

"I know, but you _don't_ choose. That's what I'm saying." Lyra edged a little closer and shrugged seductively. "I was just going to offer to make you breakfast tomorrow. Sort of a date thing."_God, does he look yummy,_ thought Dante... Lyra (Lyra, duh... sorry, don't know how the Dante got in there... .:Nervous laughter:.) "Should I call you... or just shake you?"

Ed burst into panicky laughter. "Look... Lyra... you're a nice girl," Rose's baby started crying, and Ed almost collapsed in relief. _Saved by the brat!_

"Crap. A baby. And I'm out of Advil," muttered a puddle of water that had been stalking them, unnoticed.

"A baby?" shouted Wrath, who had also been stalking them unnoticed, and who hadn't had his nap that afternoon and was getting cranky. "I hate little kids!"

Lyra was the only one who laughed at the irony of this statement, but she thought Ed kind of wanted to.

Determined to shut the infant up, Wrath dashed towards Rose (who made no move to dodge him or anything), but Ed stepped in front of the little homunculus and pushed a hand against his forehead, stopping the kid in his tracks. "Ha! You're even shorter than I am!"

"Edward! That's not very nice," admonished the maternal and hauntingly familiar voice of Sloth.

Ed pushed Wrath over for safety and spun around. "I should have known... Equivalent Exchange. No gain without sacrifice. But no sacrifice without gain. We did bring something back that day..."

"And then set me on fire," sighed Sloth angstily. "I'm an unwanted child."

"Oh, cry me a river," growled Ed, rushing at his creation, screaming "I would say something dramatic right now, but I can't think of anything appropriate!"

Wrath's worse fears were coming to pass. It occurred to him that if Sloth died (and he was convinced that Ed was capable of killing her), he was going to end up with either Envy, Pride, or Lust.. or God only knew who else they could bum him off onto. "Hey! Leave her alone!" Ed didn't hear him, as he was busy screaming himself. Wrath picked himself up and prepared to jump Ed from behind.

_Edward!_ thought Rose as loudly as she could, _Edward! Look out! That creepy little kid is going to kill you!_ Of course, Ed couldn't hear her, either. _Well, I suppose_ I _could stop him, he's what, ten? ... No, I'd better let the menfolk deal with it... oh, be careful! _

"How can I get in your pants if those stupid homunculi kill my hot little bishie?" yelled out a distinctly female voice.

Ed and Sloth stopped fighting. Wrath stopped running. Rose turned to stare, horror-struck, at Lyra, only to find Lyra staring back.

"Rose! You talked!"

"I thought you said that!"

Lyra shook her head. "Listen! You're talking!"

Rose turned as red as her namesake. "I didn't mean to say thatout loud, though."

"Don't worry," Lyra whispered, turning back to the battle. "I understand. Perfectly."

Back in actual action, Ed found himself surrounded by his indestructible enemies. "Um... girls?" he called over his shoulder as Sloth tried to wrap some water around him, "little help?"

"Sloth, we'll give you ten bucks to rip his shirt off!" Rose and Lyra called, waving their money around to prove they were serious.

"That," Sloth puddle-fied quickly to avoid Ed, "is wrong on so many levels, I can't even,"

"Ten bucks?" Wrath asked. Their noses bleeding in fangirlish delight, Rose and Lyra nodded.

"Hey! No corrupting my child!" ordered Sloth, scooping up Wrath and carrying him a safe distance from the rest, just as Ed remembered his sweet alchemy powers and turned the floor the two Sins were standing on into spikes.

"AH! Hey!" yelled the now trapped (sort-of) homunculi. "No fair!"

"Edward! Edward, are you all right?" Rose gasped hoarsely, running to the aid of her new hero.

Ed smiled bravely. "I'm fine." Rose smiled adoringly at him, and he gazed back. For a moment, they were lost in each other's eyes.

Lyra stepped protectively between them. "Well, time's a-wasting, let's get a-going," she growled, grabbing Rose by the arm and leading her away from Ed.

---------------------------------------------

Back in Lior, Scar, Al, and Lust (who was having a teenage identity crisis and hanging out with the "wrong" crowd to piss off her family) decided to find out what happens when you put hair spray cans in the microwave.

At a nice hotel within walking distance of historic downtown Lior, Pride (played by King Fuhrer Bradley) and Gluttony were fully intending to watch the creation of the legendary Philosopher's Stone, the climax of years, no, centuries of hard work and careful planning... but, Gluttony turned on the TV, and within minutes both were deeply absorbed in the rerun of a football game between two minor college teams neither had ever heard of.

"Five! Four! Three!" cheered Scar, Lust, and Al, having the time of their lives as they watched the microwave sparkle. "Two!"

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Lyra successfully lead her little group into fresh air, sunlight, and safety, but no one was paying attention to her, anyway. Rose had broken away, and she and Ed had spent the entire journey completely immersed in each other and their conversation. (In actuality, Ed was just avoiding Lyra... nothing to do with Rose, I'm sure, don't worry, fangirls.)

Ed was the last to emerge from the tunnel. He stretched gratefully, and froze. "Our sin committed, and our sin to bear!"

Rose stared at him uncertainly. "What?"

"Our sin committed and our sin to bear! That's what I should have said... I gotta go kill that homunculus, I'll be right back." and he started back into the tunnel.

"Wait! Ed, come back!" pleaded Rose and Lyra.

Ed turned around and placed his hands on Rose's shoulders. "I guess I won't be seeing you anymore, Rose."

Rose shook her head, a sad smile on her lips. "Oh, don't talk like that, Edward."

"No. No, I'm never going to see you again. Ever." Ed stated bluntly, leaving once again. Hey, a boy can have a dream.

Rose sobbed relatively quietly. Lyra was in a horrible mood, especially after Ed had so pointedly blown her off, but she was getting an idea, so she wrapped her arms comfortingly around her fellow Edophile. "There, there, dear. You've learned the best lesson a girl can. Never get involved with an Elric. They're all heartbreakers. Poor child, come on, I'll take you back to my place and get you some Ben and Jerry's, and we can watch Chick Flicks and cry and bitch, ok?"

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"Lust! Lust!" Gluttony cried joyously, just glad to be back with his favorite Sin, especially after spending the night with Pride... "I missed you so much!"

Lust half-smiled from her seat atop a pile of sand that was the remains of Lior (that was one powerful microwave). "I missed you too, dear."

"Do you have the Stone?" Pride wheezed, coughing up some sand.

Lust giggled and cleaned some grit out of her nails. "Nope."

Pride's smile didn't quite die... mortally wounded is a better word. "Nope?... what do you mean, Nope?"

Once again, Lust giggled, the carefree giggle of the truly insane. "I don't have it."

Taking deep breaths and trying to remain calm, Pride nodded. "Ok... nothing to worry about. It has to be around here somewhere... we'll just start looking..."

"Look all you want," Lust whispered eerily. "You'll never find it. Never never never."

"She's lost her mind," Gluttony whispered in awe.

"There's rosemary... that's for remembrance..." Lust muttered to herself as her mind wandered around its own little world.

"Your mother's going to kill you," Gluttony observed.

A similar thought had occurred to Pride. "Forget mom, Sloth's going to kill me."

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"Remember, Wrath, this wasn't your fault," Sloth lectured her charge as they returned to the train where they were to meet the others. "And the important thing is that we have the Stone. Rose doesn't really matter."

"If that's true, then why do I have to wait in the other car while you tell them that Rose can talk?"

"Well... um... because I said so."

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"Ok, Glut, we can spin this," Pride muttered, frantically thinking up a cover story. "After all, I'm the king of PR." Gluttony stared uneasily at Lust, who had found a part time job as a wall ornament. He was quite clearly wondering how you could 'spin' this. "Just remember, Rose can't talk. That's what's important."

Sloth took a deep breath and prepared to break the news to her superior.

Pride took a deep breath and prepared to dodge all responsibility.

"The important thing is, (we have the Stone/Rose can't talk)." they stated in unison. There was a long pause.

"You didn't get the Stone, did you?" Sloth sighed.

"Rose can talk, can't she?" Pride sighed. "Rock-Paper-Scissors for who tells Master?"

Not wanting to think about that, Sloth dug through her pockets, but couldn't find her watch. "What time is it?"

"12:30" Lust replied, greatly amused when Sloth screamed and jumped in the air. "This is fun. We should do this for Halloween next year."

-------------------------------------------

Ed stopped at the Wall o' Spikes he had constructed earlier, and decided he would have to turn back. "Hmm... wonder how Al and Scar are gonna get through... oh well."

He didn't have to worry. Scar had mysteriously disappeared, and Al had decided to go home to show off his new tattoo/glowing interior for Winry.

--------------------------------------------

"Wow, Lyra, I just can't get over what a sweet pad you have," Rose exclaimed, taking another sip of tea and gazing in awe around the high-ceilinged, cathedral-like "breakfast nook" of Lyra's well-hidden mansion.

"Oh, why thank you. It used to be an old temple, and I snatched it up for a song when the religion it was dedicated to went under. A couple hundred years renovation, and," A huge crashing sound from the next room cut her off mid-laugh. "Excuse me a moment."

-----------------------------------------

In the foyer, Gluttony, Wrath, and several assorted furnishings were lying in a twisted heap of debris. Directly above them, Sloth was clinging to a wall fixture she had grabbed hold of with one hand when the stack of furniture had collapsed, and nailing Lust to the wall with the other, using spikes that looked suspiciously like they had been taken from one of Lyra's favorite antique sculptures.

"There, all secure now?" she asked, dropping lightly to the ground.

"Yeah, thanks a lot," Lust snarled sarcastically.

"What the hell is going on in here?" hissed Lyra, coming down the sweeping entrance stairs (hey, is this a great temple or what?).

"Pretty Mommy screwed up," Wrath explained from under a bureau.

"Well, keep it down! I've got company!"

---------------------------------------------

Had you asked Lyra (and Rose did), she would have gladly told you of her complex, state-of-the-art security system, which ensured that only she and a select six others could enter her property.

While she was explaining this boastfully, one of her most despised enemies was walking casually into the room where Lust was still hanging rather hopelessly, Gluttony by her side, too short to be of much assistance.

The newcomer strutted around, looking as though he used to own the place and was rather happy with what the present owners had done with it. He pulled out his watch.

"The time's 6:28," Lust told him helpfully, greatly amused when he jumped six feet in the air.

"AH! I'm sorry, Lust, didn't know you were alive there."

Lust tried to shrug. "Easy mistake to make, creepy stranger who knows who I am."

"Well, with a figure like that, who else could you be?"

Hoping he would unstake her if he thought she was interested, Lust tried to adjust herself to show maximum cleavage. "And who might you be, handsome?"

"Hoenheim of Light," snarled Lyra, re-entering on the stairs holding Rose's baby. "Step away from the seductive homunculus."

Lust giggled. "Is it even legal to name your kid Hoenheim?"

"Not for about two hundred years," Ed's father shrugged, turning back to Lyra. "So... Dante (A/N: didn't see that one coming, did you?), you're looking well."

"You too," replied the girl coldly, whispering to Gluttony on the side, "Where's Envy?"

"He went on a road trip..." Gluttony whispered back, "sorry, I forgot to tell you."

Lyra/Dante (Motto: With our powers combined, we are Lyrante!) relaxed immediately. "Oh, good."

"I was just in the neighborhood," Hoenheim started.

Lyrante raised an eyebrow. "Really? I wonder why."

"Actually, because I took two trains and walked for a day," he admitted, "but the point is," he stopped and glanced around the room. "Envy isn't here, is he?"

Lyrante shook her head and Hoenheim relaxed immediately. "The point is, after several centuries of therapy,... We do a lot of body hoping," he explained for Lust.

"Yeah, yeah," sighed the wall hanging indifferently, "You two were romantically involved, broke it off rather badly, Philosopher's Stone came into play somewhere, unnaturally long lives, we can figure it out."

"Oh... right then," Hoenheim remarked, looking a little put out that he didn't get to go through a more detailed version of his life. "Well...after several centuries of therapy and a few drugs, I'm over our relationship, and I wanted to come out here and tell you that."

"_Excuse me?_" gasped Lyrante, "_You_'re over our relationship? You're the one who _abandoned_ me and Envy for some trollop you met at a bar! Womanizing is certainly your thing, isn't it? From what I hear, you ditched your last wife and two kids,"

"SHUT UP! You don't know what you're talking about!"

"Jerry! Jerry!" chanted Lust sarcastically, wishing someone would notice and unstake her.

"Anyway, I see you've been busy yourself," observed Hoenheim, nodding pointedly at the baby.

Lyrante smiled wickedly. "It's not mine... but I have been doing some research, and there is an interesting connection between the Portal and new life..."

It was probably a brilliant theory, but she never finished it, because at that moment, Wrath screamed at the top of his lungs and fell off the chair he had been sitting on.

Hoenheim and Dante started at him for a second, and decided they had no comment.

"So, as I was saying, an infant," Dante stopped talking, annoyed. Half a century of developing this innovation in alchemical science, the least the heartbreaking bastard could do was listen to her. She turned to glare at Sloth, whose modest arrival had captivated her audience's attention.

Sloth nodded slightly to apologize for interrupting. "Hey, Lust, can I borrow this—,"

"Trisha?"

"Lipstick," Sloth sighed, advancing on the man, wrapping herself around him and liquefying in such a way that he had no clear chance for escape. "Hoenheim of Light..." she purred, "I haven't been so flattered since Mustang tried to pick me up at the company picnic." She twisted her neck around to face Lyrante, growling, "Is it just me? Am I some kind of magnet for these weirdos?"

"Look, shut up," snapped Lyrante, clearly jealous.

Just at this moment, Ed burst into the room (so much for Dante's flawless security system), and did the biggest double take of his life. His father, whom he hadn't seen or heard from since he was a toddler, was being suffocated by a half-aquatic version of his mother, who, last Ed checked, was dead, Wrath was hunched in a fetal position on the floor humming "Imaginary" by Evanescence to himself, the alchemist formerly known as Lyra was getting ready to toss Rose's baby up in the air and looking more demented than ever, Lust was being crucified, and Gluttony clearly wanted to run and hide, but where would that leave Lust?

"There isn't a caption in the world I could add to this scene to make it better," Ed declared out loud.

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Back in the breakfast nook, Rose had broken into Lyrante's opium stash, so she was a little out of it, plus she was wearing a dress circa 1500, which was making it very hard to move. Still, she decided, using what was passing for her brain, that maybe she should go see what Lyra was doing with her baby in there, and what all the noise was about.

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"Oh! Edo-kun! You returned!" Rose cried joyously, forgetting her child and cuddling up to her favorite little alchemist. "Are you all right, my beloved?"

Ed struggled desperately.

"Edward! Is that _your_ baby?" Hoenheim gasped.

"Oh, way to jump right back into parenting, dad," Ed growled, disentangling himself from Rose. "And you! Get away from me! I've barely even spoken to you before!"

"But... but, Edo-kun!" cried Rose, bursting into tears.

"Gawd, even I'm not this whiny," muttered Wrath.

Her head throbbing, Lyra approached the sniveling girl and shoved the baby into her hands like a pacifier. "Here. Shut up."

Rose stopped crying briefly. "My baby," she sighed foggily, then burst back into tears, destroying the eardrums of those around her. Would no one stop her reign of terror?

"AK! Damn security code! Mom must've changed it!" growled someone right outside the door. Rose gasped in a particularly obnoxious manner.

"Hurry! She's torturing them!" cried a woman.

"Maybe if I take Envy's birthday and divide by Pride's anniversary... anyone have a calculator?"

"Fuck this!" yelled a third voice gruffly, and with a poof of alchemy, the wall exploded. (There goes the security system.)

"Duck and cover, Edward, sweetheart!" yelled a woman. Ed hurried to obey as bullets flew over his head. Rose cried out one last time and tossed the baby in the air, just before the shrapnel ripped her to shreds. Wrath jumped up and caught the infant before it could fall into the line of fire. (Hey, it's not the kid's fault his mother is... well... Rose.)

Ed and the others who had hit the floor risked a glance up. There, before them, heroically framed in the rubble, holding their smoking weapons, was an impossible group, Scar, Hughes, Trisha, and a woman Ed vaguely remembered as Marta (She gave him and Al a ride once, he was pretty sure), headed by Greed.

"You folks all right?" Hughes asked, pocketing his handgun.

"I don't think Rose is..." Gluttony observed.

"That was the idea," Greed sighed, staring at the remains of Rose. "We've been watching forever, waiting to see her go."

"And then it dawned on us," Hughes shuddered. "She was never going to die."

Trisha wrapped her arms around her stunned son. "What if she had ended up with one of my poor babies?"

"So we took matters into our own hands," Scar growled.

Marta shouldered her semi-automatic casually. "I would have made such a more interesting supporting female character than her." Everyone nodded in agreement. There was a bit of an awkward pause.

Dante and Trisha began staring at each other suspiciously. "Lab partner my ass," Ed heard his mother whisper under her breath.

Dante had reached her own conclusions. "She's not _that_ great. Guess that's why you ditched her, huh, Hoe?"

Trisha pulled out the rifle she used on Rose. "Don't tempt me, old hag."

"Bitch, ba-ring it," snapped Dante, going ghetto with a clap of her hands.

"Oh, it's already been brought," snarled Trisha, failing to be intimidated by cheap magic alchemy tricks.

"Yo' man so old, he got an autographed copy of the Bible!" Dante jibbed. (The audience turned briefly to Hoenheim, who flushed and denied it.)

"Might want to be careful, Dante, you get one more face lift, and your nose'll fall off, just like Michael Jackson!"

"Is that what happened to your son's arm?" smirked Dante. The room gasped. Say what you want about the men, but insult one of the kids...

Trisha's eyes narrowed. "You want to talk about our sons? Let's talk about our sons," she growled, tossing the rifle away and lunging for the throat.

Dante staggered backward, and both women stumbled over the edge of a 10 foot crater in the floor (complements of Envy and his uncontrollable temper). Greed took a step forward, as if to look over the edge, but decided it was too dangerous.

Oblivious to the tension, Wrath was holding the baby like it might explode. "Hey, does someone want this kid? Mommy?" Sloth shook her head. "Grandma? Mrs Edward's Mommy?"

"Two years is a one night stand when you're 400, you know!" Dante shrieked. "Hey, easy on the breasts! They're the nicest set I've had for a while!"

"You bring a whole new meaning to the phrase, 'why buy the cow', don'tcha, now? Leggo my hair, you antique!"

"I don't think they want it either, kid," Hoenheim reported to Wrath. The boy immediately turned with the baby to Sloth's prisoner, who immediately tried to struggle, pleading, "But I'm a horrible father! Look at Ed and Al!"

Wrath did just that, turning to Ed, who also backed away. "I've got dad's genes!" he exclaimed, for the first and last time ever.

"I'm not good with kids," laughed Lust nervously. "And you know better than to offer it to Gluttony." ("Thanks, Lust," Gluttony mumbled sincerely.)

Without any living options, Wrath turned to Scar. "No," the man stated bluntly, no explanation, not even blinking.

"My wife wouldn't like it," Hughes explained sadly.

Greed and Marta were cornered.

"Heh heh... um... parenting isn't really my thing..." Marta explained, dodging past Wrath and the diapered menace. Greed glared at her.

"Thanks, Marta. Thanks a bundle.. Look, Wrath, can't we talk about this, son?"

"You could give it to Izumi," gasped Dante, clawing her way out of the pit, only to be pulled back down again. "I have her addressssssssssssssss!"

Ed, Wrath, and Greed shuddered, and Greed finally relieved Wrath of the infant. "Are you joking?" he asked, "_Envy_ is a better mother than that woman!"

"Do you know what a pathetic parent you must be, when ENVY is more nurturing than you?" Ed asked. "Hey, why don't we give the baby to him?

"Oh, there's a good idea," Wrath snapped sarcastically. "Why don't you just kill it and save it some suffering?"

"Well, whatever you do with it, hurry up!" Marta broke in, already leading Scar and Hughes out the door. "We're going to miss Lost!"

"Lost? Did she say Lost?" Trisha and Dante stopped fighting and clambered out of the hole, to be joined by everyone else, who were also leaving, to go back to Greed's new pad to watch their cable... except for one...

"Uh... little help here?" Lust called after them.


	2. There's Something About Bradley

There's Something About Bradley

or Roy and Riza Stage a Coup!

(A mission in 5 phases)

_There are few problems in life that cannot be eased by the proper application of explosives. -_Roy Mustang, allegedly.

Quick a/n: I'll never forget the first time I saw Fuhrer Bradley in an episode. As far as I could tell, he was hitting on Riza. I decided then and there that no matter what happened, no matter how evil this guy tried to be in the future, I would never treat him a serious character. And I never did.

Starring:

Colonel Roy Mustang: You'll never be anything but a colonel!

Lt. Riza Hawkeye: Does anyone know how to spell Luietnat... Lootenit... Lieautenat?

Armstrong: Was actually dismissed from Military service 10 years ago... but he keeps coming, so they just let him be.

Brigadier General Havoc: Smokes like a chimney. Talks like a Mustang.

Frank Archer: Like a cockroach, or an Elric, not so easy to get rid of.

Izumi: Maybe we were a little quick to blame Wrath's problems on Envy.

Ross:... what mole?

K. F. Bradley: Kentucky Fried Leader

Joy: Brad's wife... does that make her Queen Fuhrer Joy?

Shinji: Brad's kid. The littlest Eva pilot goes Fullmetal (He does have a name, but nobody cares what it is, and it starts with S, so close enough.)

Sciesca and Winry: Budding Conspiracy Theorists.

Juliette Douglas: Bitter rivals with Sciesca over the coveted "Small Abused Secretary" award

Pinako: And you thought Dante was all the crazy old lady this place could hold.

Hoenheim: Oh, yeah, the union requires we throw an Elric in here.

Feury, Ed, Al, Russell, Fletcher, Tucker, misc. Military personnel, and assorted Sins: The "I can't pay you, but I'll put your name in the credits" list

The War Council: Bradley's poker buds

Briefing:

Stop Homunculi Discrimination in the workplace! Send KalliopeStarmist a dollar!

But, seriously, folks, you have to search far and wide to find two less evil/dangerous homunculi than Sloth and Pride.

Naturally, they've got to go.

Phase 1: To Rizambul We Go! (Hie Hoenheim!)

"This is where you grew up?" Sciesca asked her new best friend, Winry, as they disembarked from their train at a vast expanse of grass and dirt road.

"Yup. Welcome to Rizambul," the blond answered while flipping through a pamphlet she had picked up at Central Station, "Life On The Lam; An Affordable Vacation." "Oh, and don't look now, but there's a creepy old guy following us. He was pretty much checking me out on the way up here."

Sciesca barely had time to gasp before the man actually walked right up to Winry and tapped her on the shoulder. "Excuse me, Sarah?"

"STRANGER DANGER!" shouted the blond, kicking the pedophile where it hurts and running towards her home with Sciesca. "I learned my lesson with Barry the Chopper! No way I'm getting into your van!"

------------------------

"It is funny, though," she mused as the pair caught their breaths in the safety of the Rockbell residence. "Because Sarah just happens to be the name of my mother who died a horrible, needless death at the hands of Roy Mustang," she winked at the camera, adding, "on this, more later. Granny! I'm on the run from Space Aliens, so my friend is spending the night!"

"Ok," Pinako agreed, as someone knocked on the door. It was... the creepy pedophile!

"Hey, Pinako," he greeted, ignoring the panicked cries from the two girls. "My house burned down, my wife's dead, and I can't remember if we had kids, but if we did, they aren't here, so can I spend the night?"

"Of course. Winry! Stop screaming! It's just Mr. Elric."

Winry and Sciesca peeked out cautiously from behind the couch. "Ed and Al's dead beat dad who abandoned them and their mother to a life of poverty? Hoenheim, right?"

Before he could respond, Lt. Ross and her platonic friend burst in. "There's a price on the Elric Brothers' heads!"

"That's right," Hoenheim mumbled to himself, as he often did, "we _did_ have kids."

"What did they do this time?" asked Winry, Pinako, and Sciesca.

"Blew up Lior, helped out the homunculi," (the author takes this to mean that they lent Lust a quarter to make a phone call once.) "and skipped town."

"Oh no! Ed and Al don't work well under pressure, so they're undoubtably headed back here right now! How are we going to reach them before the Military does?" Winry gasped.

Hoenheim, apparently bored with the conversation, stared off into the distance. "Y'know, it used to be that if you crossed those mountains, the laws of space and time would warp, and you would end up in the dessert." Sciesca and Winry dashed off, and the man turned to Ross. "So, now that we're alone,"

------------

"Say, can I have a soda?" Roy asked the clerk at the convenience store where he, his crew, and Sciesca and Winry had stopped for a breather.

Winry burst into tears. "I bet you drank a lot of soda._ When you were killing innocent people in Ishbala!"_

Roy stared at her, puzzled and annoyed. "Who _are_ you?" Winry just cried. "Hey, Sciesca, word of advice. Next time you decide to go on the run, don't ask for a personal day and tell everyone where you're going."

"But... but... but... Juliette Douglas died ten years ago! And even if she was alive, she'd be over fifty!"

"With that perfect skin?" Armstrong asked, impressed.

"So we tapped her phone, and she's Ed's mother!" Winry gasped.

"And now she's pissed and she killed Hughes!" Sciesca added.

"And we've taken it upon ourselves to fill his spot as comic relief characters!"

"Because you guys have just been way too angsty ever since he died!"

Roy took a step back. "Let's just calm down. Where'd Ross go?"

----------------

"I once loved a woman with raven black hair like yours," Hoenheim sighed, talking to Ross, who smiled, amazed.

"That," she said, "is the worst pickup line I have EVER heard. First, it's always a bad idea to mention former girlfriends on a date, second, I know for a fact that you ain't talking about Trisha, because she had light brown hair, and therefore you're talking about your psychotic, dangerous ex-lover Dante, who for the record, you claim not to love, and who really does have black hair, and third and final, I have a message from your son, Ed." And with that, Ross punched him in the stomach. Her friend with the not-so-secret crush on her cheered, just as Roy and his minions came into view, Havoc and Feury in the lead. Havoc had his gun drawn and pointed at Feury, who was taunting him with a pack of smokes.

"I mean it! I'll shoot!" said Havoc.

"Nanna Nanna boo boo!" said Feury.

BANG! said the gun

"Fuhrer Bradley is a homunculus!" yelled Al, jumping in the way on accident and deflecting the bullet so that it only grazed Feury.

"And his secretary is an alien!" yelled Sciesca, ignoring Feury's screams of pain.

"Actually, no, she's the homunculus that Brother and I created when we attempted to revive our mother, but close enough!" yelled Al.

"Feury! Havoc! Armstrong! Hawkeye! Ross! Ross's Platonic Friend!" Roy yelled, "This is shocking! Who knew that the government was corrupt?"

"Why couldn't you have rebelled when you were in Ishbala?" cried Winry

Roy rounded on her. "What is your problem?" Winry just cried. "Come on, troops! We have to go kill Bradley!"

"Um... you can't really kill a homuc-," Hoenheim and Al tried fruitlessly to warn them. "Fine. Your funeral."

Phase 2: Confrontation (Avenging Mas Huggles)

On the way back to Central HQ, Roy had come up with a plan.

Fuhrer Bradley smiled when the disgruntled colonel broke into his office unannounced. "Mustang. What a pleasant surprise. What up?" he greeted, while trying to peer around Roy's shoulder and figure out what had happened to his guards.

Roy whipped out a gun. "You're a homunculus."

Bradley set down his coffee and moved slowly over to Roy, all the while speaking in quiet, soothing tones, "Ok, Roy, I know you've been under a lot of stress lately, it's ok, I understand, we'll get you the help you need, just take a deep breath," he gently removed the gun from Roy's hand. "JUMP HIM, SLOTH!"

----------------------

Riza was waiting for him when Roy stumbled out of the office, rather wet, sporting a fat lip, a black eye, and various cuts and bruises. She had told him from the beginning that it was a bad idea. "So, how did it go?" she asked sarcastically.

"Shut-up." snapped Roy. "I have a plan B."

--------------------

That night, or, rather, at 3 the next morning, Sciesca was shaken awake by Winry, who looked panicked and was holding a photograph.

"Wazzamatter?" Sciesca asked, fumbling for her glasses.

Winry waved the photo around frantically. "I don't look anything like my mother!"

Sciesca glanced at the picture, and decided that this was true, even without finding her glasses. She tried to go back to sleep, but Winry wouldn't let her.

"There's no way in hell anyone could ever confuse the two of us! So how did Ed's dad mix us up?"

Sciesca's eyes widened. "So that means..."

"He really was hitting on me!" Winry whimpered.

-------------------

Bright and early the next day, Roy (his bruises covered by Riza's makeup foundation that she never used) weaseled his way into the meeting of The War Council.

"I'll see your 10 and raise you a 5," said one of the old geezers with his back to the door as Roy entered, throwing down a few poker chips.

One of the others coughed. "Uh, Stan,"

The man glanced over his shoulder, saw Roy, and pulled out a file. The cards in everyone's hands seemed to vanish. "As I was saying, we need to do something about this problem... um... up North."

The others nodded pensively, watching Roy out of the corner of their eyes, as if expecting him to speak up before it became obvious that they didn't know what they were talking about. "North. Yeah. It's a pretty serious problem, the North. Full of snow."

Roy cleared his throat and whispered, in an I-was-told-to-report-to-the-principal's-office voice, "Hello. I have this report to file..." He handed a thick, important-looking stack of papers over to the nearest guy, who looked suspiciously like the Hokage from Naruto, who glanced at it and passed it down the line to Bradley, who didn't realize at first that there was a thick report in front of him, because he had buried his head in his hands disgustedly when Roy walked in.

"Sir, there's this report..."

"I see it, I see it," growled Brad peevishly, picking up the paper and squinting at it. "The results of an investigation on the death of Brigadier General..." there was a long pause. "Mas... Huggles?"

"Maes Hughes, sir."

"Yeah, yeah, that's what I said... wait, did you say 'Maes'? As in... more than one woman named Mae?" Roy nodded. "Whoa. That's even more tragic than his death. I think I might cry... Anyway, moving on, Mas Huggles,"

"Maes Hughes, sir," Roy repeated.

"It's Huggles from here on out," Bradley ordered, flipping through the file. "Hey! Are you accusing my secretary of murdering him?"

"I think she may have been involved, yes."

"_My_ secretary?" Bradley asked again, still not quite believing it. "Have you ever _met_ my secretary? My secretary doesn't even like to kill _mice_. She puts out those little 'humane' mouse traps that don't work."

"Yeah, where is Juliette today?" asked another War Councillor, who looked suspiciously like Sir Cornello from the beginning of the show. (I swear, he's in there! Look for him!)

"She took the day off... I hope she's ok."

"Maybe her kid's sick or something," a Fyuuski look-alike suggested. (Yeah, I'm an Eva hoser, how'd you guess?)

"Kid?" Roy asked, "she has a kid?"

"Yup, a little ten-year-old." Bradley grinned, silently communicating the concept of "picking on the single mother... smooth one, Mustang."

Roy gulped. He knew it was unwarranted, but he felt like a bad person.

"Still," continued the Fuhrer, "very courageous of you to submit this." _Very stupid, too,_ he thought to himself. "The State needs more men like you." _Our burger joints need more minimum-wage laborers._

Phase 3: The Ol' Switcheroo (Wait, What's Going On?)

Later, Roy slipped sheepishly in to the hospital room where Riza was directing affairs. "That's it, Havoc," she commanded the solider who was wrapping gauze around one of his friends. "Just... cover his whole head," she waved languidly at him, turning perkily to the room's new occupant. "Hi, Roy! Look, Feury's still bleeding!"

"Where've you been?" the mummified figure asked.

"Well, I confronted the Fuhrer, filed an official report accusing his secretary of murder, and basically insinuated that he was involved, too." Havoc's mouth dropped open, and he stopped wrapping Feury. "And I'm beginning to believe Al," Feury twitched, thinking _He did all that _not_ believing Al?_ "Not only is he a homunculus, but all of these wars have been planned," Roy continued, staring pensively out the window. "I'm a solider. I don't mind war, but if it's for the wrong reasons,"

Havoc couldn't stand it any more. "_Wrong_ reasons?" he exploded. "Colonel, we just BLEW UP an entire city because we thought Scar, one, single, solitary man, might be there, and you were fine with that. What the hell do you consider a _wrong_ reason?"

Roy was about to respond, but Feury jumped in, his voice calm, but muffled by the bandages. "And how did the Fuhrer react to all this?" he asked, a nervous tic going on his arm.

The colonel pulled out some papers. "I got promoted. This entire unit is supposed to go up North and sit around enemy territory."

Havoc sat like a stone. "He's going to arrange to have us killed so we look like war casualties, isn't he?" When Roy nodded, the blond man jumped on him, trying to strangle him. "**This is all your fault! What on earth were you trying to prove to him? How did you think he was going to react? Now we're all going to die, I'm never gonna see my mom again,"**

With a little effort, Roy pushed his assailant onto the bed next to Feury, a mischievous twinkle in his eye. "Jean Havoc, I'm afraid you and Cain Feury have been declared unfit for combat and will not be joining us. I'm sorry, boys. I know how bad you wanted to do this. Come, Hawkeye, we have to go prepare."

After Roy and Riza left, Havoc smiled at his invalid companion. "You know, I've always thought of Mustang as an arrogant ass who never thinks of anything but himself and his political standing... but, underneath it all, he really is a loyal, compassionate man who doesn't hesitate to put himself in danger for the benefit of others."

--------------------

The next day, wearing a black wig, and preparing to stage a dangerous, mutinous mission and risk his life while Roy and Riza sat around the hospital, Havoc turned to Feury, who was dressed as a blond woman. "Never mind. He's an ass."

"Ah, well, he's still Colonel Mustang," Feury shrugged with a grin, helping his comrade climb aboard their own, personal tank. He pointed at a window, where the silhouettes of Roy and Riza watched them. "Want to get back at them?"

Havoc gazed slyly around the crowded parade ground. "I sure do. Riza, baby," he declared as loudly as possible, wrapping his arms around Feury, and attracting stares from everybody around, "I love ya. Now, gimme that tongue of yours!"

If looks could kill, Roy and Riza would have been the world's most effective snipers at that moment. Their eyes positively glowed red as cheers erupted around the tank. In general, the Military was thinking that is was about time already.

Havoc and Feury pulled away from each other, blew sarcastic kisses at the couple in the window, and jumped into the tank, shouting, "Ok, Armstrong, let's get this coup on the road! ROAD TRIP! YAHOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Cheering war cries, and forgetting that none of them knew how to drive a tank, the Mustangettes barreled off North.

----------------------

Meanwhile, Bradley was having a few technical difficulties.

"Come on, Envy! You promised to kill these guys for me!"

"NO! I won't!" shrieked Envy moodily.

"But... you _promised_!"

Dante swept into the room, carrying a portable CD player. "Don't mind him, Pride, he's in one of his moods again. Here, sweetheart. Take your Simple Plan."

Envy grabbed the Walkman from her and ran out of the room, crying.

Phase 4: The Meaning of Life Itself (Happy Birthday, Shinji!)

"Homunculus," Roy muttered to himself from the backseat.

"Mustang, why can't you sit up front with me like a normal human being?" Riza snapped, swerving around a PT Cruiser.

"One, I'm afraid of how you drive, Two, I get carsick if I sit up front and read," he explained distractedly, returning to his dictionary. "Homunculus...H. O... munculus... M... oh, here it is! Homunculus, noun, plural Homunculi,"

WHAM! BAM! THUNKTHUNKTHUNK!

Roy slammed the tome shut as Riza slammed on the breaks, simultaneously leaning on the horn and shouting, "Watch the road, ass hole! Stupid kid just jumped right on top of the car!"

Roy opened his door to see the damage, and Ed poked his head out feebly from underneath the car. "Hey there, Colonel. I fell out the window," he explained, pointing at an open window in the apartment complex they were passing in front of.

Scar and Marta popped their heads out the window. "Sorry, Edo! Hey, while you're down there, could you run to the store and grab us some popcorn?... and baby formula, we need that."

Ed climbed into the backseat next to Roy. "Hey, could you guys drop me off at the store?"

"Sure," Riza shrugged, stepping on the gas.

"So... where're you two going?" Ed asked, making conversation.

"We're going to avenge Hughes by overthrowing Bradley. How this will avenge Hughes, I have no clue, but it will, because he's a homunculus. Bradley. Not Hughes."

"Hmm," said Ed thoughtfully. "You're giving up your childhood dreams in order to pursue higher truths."

Roy nodded pensively. "I think, therefore, I am."

Up front, Riza swerved to avoid hitting a van. "Sightsee on your own time!" she shouted, honking like a mad woman.

-------------------------

Back at Headquarters, Izumi Curtis was staging her own little coup d'etat against the Military's higher-ups.

"All right, bitch! Court says I get custody of Wrath Tuesdays and Thursday, so fork him over!"

As she continued her search for Ms Douglas and the world's most disputed child, the Inspector Gadget themesong rang through the air, and none other than Frank Archer (now with automail half!) lurched into the hall. He poised his arm/giant machine gun right behind Izumi's head...

"DIE, obviously evil entity!" Ross shouted, knocking Izumi around the corner, firing her gun and failing miserably to hit Archer.

"Ha. Ha. Ha," he laughed in a metallic Austrian accent. "Foolish mortal. You cannot kill me, for I have developed an accent similar to Arnold Shwartzenegger's."

"VIVA LA REVOLUTION!" yelled Izumi and Ross. Izumi took a few pot shots at his metal half, apparently unaware that this would be useless.

Archer turned and ran back down the hall, yelling, "Bradley! Ross and Izumi are picking on me!"

"He started it!" the two women yelled, following him.

------------------------

"You have to live life to love life, and you have to love life to live life," Roy sighed, his latest theory in the profound discussion he and the other backseat passenger were involved in.

"It's a vicious cycle," Ed agreed. "Reality is only a collective hunch."

His fellow philosopher nodded. "You've got to take the bitter with the sour."

Riza leaned on the horn, weaving wildly through the traffic. "Yo! Disraeli and Socrates! Do either of you know where we're going?"

------------------

Truth be told, Fuhrer Bradley was more proud of his son than anything else in the world. After all, the boy had made it to ten without becoming a serial killer/dying, which was one up on the Tuckers, Curtises, and Elrics. "Happy birthday, Simel."

"... Shinji, dad," the little boy corrected.

"Right, sorry, Shinji." Had she been there, Sloth would have twitched. All the times Bradley forgot her name, he'd never once apologized. Bastard.

Shinji, for his part, didn't care much that his father couldn't always remember his name. When he was very young, his mother had sat him down and explained that his dad was... well, a little bit peculiar. (In fact, her exact words were "Crackpot")

--------------------

Ed was feeling a little bit guilty for not sharing some vital information with the Avengers, and when they dropped him at the store, he felt obliged to say something. "Um... you guys do realize that the only way to kill a homunculus is to get them near the remains of the human they were created to replace, right?"

Roy blinked at him like a cow at an oncoming train. "Don't worry about us. We'll get 'er done."

"No, seriously! The only way you could possibly manage to kill Bradley is if he happened to have like, a bunch of old bones from his original sitting around his library, and I know he's a spaz, but he's not _that_ stupid,"

Roy and Riza laughed at him and drove off. Ed slammed his head against the wall of the Seven-Eleven. "Fine. Your funeral, Colonel Dumbass."

"It's Brigadier General Dumbass now, Shorty!" honked the car, which had done a U-turn to get back in the right direction again.

Phase 5: Rats in the Wine Cellar (Roy Hasn't Worked Out All The Kinks Yet...)

Bradley, Joy, and Shinji were sitting around their living room, just chilling, which was difficult, insomuch as there were armed guards everywhere as a security measure.

"Krzk. Flaming Avenger to Puppy Death, are you in position, Puppy Death? Over and out, Krzk."

"Did that sound like a walkie-talkie to anyone else?" Bradley asked, not sure he wanted to know the answer.

"It sounded like it was coming from outside," Joy observed , snapping her fingers at a random guard. "Ryan, go check the door."

"Krzk. Mustang, this is stupid. You're going to get us killed. Krzk."

"Krzk. Please use code names, Puppy Death. Over and Out. Krzk."

Riza was about to respond angrily to her accomplice, but Ryan found her and yanked her inside, so she very quickly hid the walkie-talkie in her jacket.

"Lt. Hawkeye, can I ask what you're doing here?" Bradley asked unamusedly.

Riza did her even best to conjure up a smile. "Um... Can I interest you in some girl scout cookies? I'm selling them for my niece."

-------------------

Up North, the Mustangettes were racing through the terrain, shooting paint ball guns, whistling at any women they happened to pass, and trying desperately to find the brakes.

---------------------

Riza was fidgeting uncomfortably in her spotlight position. "Um, sir, there's a really good explanation for all this," she started, briefly considering ratting Mustang out and earning herself some major brownie points.

Before she could form together a plausible story, though, a huge crashing sound, not unlike a shelf full of bottles being knocked over, followed by a very loud, "Shorry, ma'am!" came from the general direction of the basement.

"Do you hear that?" Joy gasped. "It sounds like a disgruntled Military official has broken into the wine cellar and is singing drinking songs!"

"Not again," groaned Ryan, the guard.

"It's probably just rats," Bradley grumbled, leaving in the direction of the basement stairs. "I'll go check it out."

Riza actually looked a little disturbed. "You guys must have big rats."

-------------------------

Roy leaned against a wine rack to support himself (for some reason or another, the room was spinning rather violently), and pulled out another bottle, reading the label thoughtfully. "This was a very good year... expensive stuff, this," he informed Bradley, who had just walked in, looking just a tad bit angry.

"Mustang, why are you in my basement surrounded by half-empty wine bottles, and why is your longtime romance interest Riza in my living room?"

"Hey!" Roy snapped, trying to stand up and leaning back again dizzily. "We'll have no mention of Royai! I'm in com- com- charge here!"

"You're stinking drunk in my basement, how are you in charge?"

Grinning, Roy pointed an unsteady hand at the door. "Because in five, four, three, two, one, GO!" Right on cue, the door slammed shut, and glowed red, alchemized shut. "I rigged it. We're stuck here. Just you and me. That's what the whole master plan led up to! Havoc and Feury and Armstrong covering for us with that little mutiny of theirs, Riza alerting you that it was me down here so you'd come alone... all for this."

Bradley bit the inside of his lip aggravatedly. "And now that we're trapped, what were you planning?"

The grin wiped itself off Roy's face. "I ... uh... well, I..." he stuttered, finally pulling the cork out of the expensive wine with his teeth and draining the bottle in panic. "I guess I'm gonna kill you with my alchemy skills."

Bradley actually grinned and started contemplating ways to dispose of the body. "Does this, by any chance, have something to do with me being," Apparently an FX man was hiding in one of the barrels, because uber-dramatic music echoed through the chamber as the Fuhrer ripped off his eyepatch, revealing a peeper that would make any optometrist cry like a baby, "a homunculus?"

Roy paused to think about this. "Well, when you put it that way, it makes me sound kinda intolerant of different heritages..." he whispered to himself, saying, more loudly, "I could care less about whether or not you can call yourself human. I'm doing this to avenge Hughes."

"But... I didn't kill Hughes. I didn't even know who he was until I got the office memo telling me to bring meatloaf to the funeral."

Roy paused to think again, finally shrugging, "Then, yeah, I'm killing you because you're a homunculus. And now that we've cleared that up," the inebriated man smiled, snapping his fingers and causing a huge explosion, almost killing Roy himself. After all, what do you expect when a drunk flame alchemist attempts to kill someone in a confined space full of highly flammable alcohol?

Mustang slumped against the wall, ignoring the pain from the burns covering his body. He could very well die of his injuries, but it didn't matter anymore. Nothing could have lived through the receiving end of that blast, nothing. It was over. He had done what he set out to do.

"Ok, so it's my turn now?" Fuhrer Bradley asked peppily, emerging from the fire completely unscathed, sword drawn.

It was then that Roy realized that he had bitten off just a little more than he could chew.

------------------

Joy had graciously offered her a seat, and Riza felt it was her duty to start a conversation to lighten up the atmosphere a little. "So," she started, fidgeting, "you folks catch _Lost_ last night?"

A huge rumble, like a room full of wine exploding underground, shook the house. The fire sprinklers went off, drenching the three of them.

"Rats," Joy muttered sarcastically to herself as her sopping-wet hair fell in her eyes.

--------------

"Hey, everybody!" Russell and his little brother Fletcher greeted Ross and Izumi in the Experimental Weapons section of Head Quarters. "We heard there was a revolution going on, so we thought we'd stop by."

"The more, the merrier!" Ross beamed, picking up a green, lumpy, hand-sized explosive of some sort. "Oh, what happens when you pull this pin?" she asked herself, tossing the ball in the air. It exploded next to an old couch, making the couch stand up, revealing a very poorly done bear chimera.

"Watch it, I'm trying to sleep!" it barked.

"Whoa!" gasped Russell, Fletcher, Izumi, and Ross, taking a step back. "Aren't you Nina Tucker's crazy father who sacrificed her for his work by turning her into a chimera in a tragic episode that was completely unnecessary for the advancement of the overall plot?"

"Why does everybody remember me that way?" the professor asked himself. "What are you kids doing here, anyway?"

"Mustang told us to make a lot of noise here at Central while he killed the Fuhrer."

"That's gonna be a little hard... Homunculi can be tricky..."

Everyone gasped. "You knew Bradley was a homunculus?"

"Yes... I thought everyone knew. It wasn't exactly a secret. Actually, I think it was in the office newsletter once... see?" Tucker riffled through some papers, pulling out a little memo sheet.

"Well no wonder we didn't know," Ross laughed. "Nobody reads the office newsletter."

---------------------

Roy had recovered a little bit of his strength, but he still had to lean against the cabinet to stand upright. Wait... what cabinet?

"What are we doing in your _kitchen_?" he gasped bewilderedly, peering through the flames at the room he and Bradley had suddenly relocated to.

"The old episode ended," shrugged the Fuhrer as though this was common knowledge. "A new one began."

"That doesn't explain anything," Roy whimpered, completely unnerved. A bottle of vodka shattered in the background. "And why is there so much liquor in your house? I mean, I'm an alcoholic, and my house doesn't have this much booze."

Another bottle of spirits burst into flames.

"You're asking an awful lot of irrelevant questions for some who's about to die," Bradley pointed out, impaling Roy's heart on one of his handy-dandy swords.

Roy's death scream stopped as he realized he was in no danger of dying. Dumbfounded, he and Bradley stared at the supposedly mortal wound, then back at each other. "Uh... should that have killed me?" Roy asked.

"Yes... I don't get it... I don't care who you are, the third degree burns and the giant hole in your shoulder could kill anyone," Bradley muttered angrily. "The only way you could have survived that was if you were..."

And Roy understood. "Ed must have died... making me the new bishie main character! Score! Who da main character? That's right, Mustang's da main character!"

"But, you forget,"Bradley grinned evilly. "As the last bishie eligible for main character, you are all that stands in the way of the homunculi and their own spin off series. Good bye, Mustang, hello, _Everybody Loves Envy._"

---------------------

Riza was actually enjoying being evacuated back to Central with Joy and Shinji. After all, it wasn't often that she was the passenger in a car, since she was one of five military members with a valid drivers' licence. She was a little disappointed when they stopped in the middle of the road, though.

The driver got out of the car to parley with Archer, who was blocking the road rather effectively. "Hey, what's your problem? We've got to get to Headquarters!"

"Oh, no you don't. The place is a frickin' war zone!"

"I don't believe you!"

"Go see for yourself. I'm headed to Bradley's place."

"It's on fire!"

"I don't believe you!"

"Go see for yourself!"

And so, both parties continued in the direction they were going. But something seemed a little different to Riza, only she couldn't quite put her finger on it. "Hey, what happened to your kid?" she asked Joy.

The woman turned to the (empty) seat next to her. "Oh Shit."

-----------------

Roy, desperately thinking up ways to avoid being killed as soon as his new found role had begun, was the first to notice him. "Hey, isn't that your kid over there in the doorway?"

"Don't think I'm going to fall for such a stupid trick, you son of a —,"

"Daddy?"

"— Monkey," Bradley corrected himself, turning around reluctantly. "Shinji? What are you doing here?"

"I came back to get my Pokemon card collection, 'cause you always say they're gonna be valuable someday," the little boy explained, not noticing the house burning down around him, or Roy, who was still slowly bleeding to death while pinned painfully to the wall with a saber. "Oh, and this," he added, pulling a skull out of his saddlebag, "because Mommy says that she needs this if she's ever going to bump you off and collect the life insurance."

Bradley went pale, and Roy, remembering Ed's warnings, held up one of his hands. "Hey, kid, toss that thing over here!"

Shinji, still confused as to what was going on, did so, and Roy caught it, even though Bradley picked this moment to retrieve his sword from Mustang's chest, causing the alchemist to drop to the ground. "Oh, and look, I caught that rat."

Roy threw a sarcastic salute as he struggled to his feet. "Sour grapes, sir, you're still going to die."

"What ever happened to Nice, Suck-Up Mustang that we know and love?" Bradley asked, hoping to talk the man down.

Roy glared. "Pissed off Mustang killed him."

The reality of Bradley's situation seemed to be sinking in. "But... but, I can't die yet! I'm supposed to be one of the major villains, and I've only killed one lousy minor character! Even Scar got to go on random killing sprees, and he was one of the good guys! It can't end like this! If I die now, I'll only have the same number of kills as Wrath, and he's a whiny little kid! I have to kill one more person! Just one!"

Roy shrugged. "Well, it isn't going to be me. _I'm_ the one killing _you_."

"Uh, dad?" Shinji butted in uncertainly. "You do realize that isn't a rat, right?"

His father smiled wickedly.

Roy gulped and hurried with the transmutation circle he was painting in blood on the back of Fuhrer sub-one's skull. He didn't like where this conversation was going...

-------------

This is a comedy, so we're going to skip over this next part. Suffice to say that, given Trisha Elric's sons, Maes Hughes' daughter, Nina Tucker, Wrath, all those Ishbalan kids, and every other small, lovable child in the series, it should come as no surprise to anyone that little Bradley Junior did not live a long full life.

Which is a real shame, since the Homunculi's Public Relations people were really counting on the sympathy factor they could get when Pride died after doing absolutely nothing evil the entire series. (Marta who?)

----------

Roy staggered out of the flaming wreckage that had once been a nice home in a decent suburb. "I... made it. I'm alive," he whispered. "Alive... I'M ALIVE!"

The ground shook a little as Archer lugged his 20 ton metal carcass up the driveway. "Vat in the Hell happened here? Mustang, I am going to have to terminate you."

Roy groaned. "Well, I had a good run," he muttered.

Fortunately, Riza was there, and apparently the most intelligent person in the Military, because she was the first to think, _Gee, shooting at his metal half won't help... maybe I should aim for the fleshy side!_

Archer was down for the count after one bullet.

Which didn't stop Riza from emptying her ammunition into the guy. She reloaded several times, obviously dying for the chance to shoot at, and hit, somebody.

"Uh, Hawkeye, I think he's dead now," Roy said gently. Riza jerked her head upright, and aimed for the next thing that came into her sight.

"AAHH!" screamed Roy, clutching at his eye. "You just shot me!" he gasped indignantly.

A sweatdrop appeared on Riza's forehead. "It... was an accident?"

Roy wouldn't have bought it, but he had been having an awfully long day, and the bullet through the skull cinched it. He collapsed.

--------------------

He awoke several days later in a hospital bed with Riza watching him... only this wasn't the Riza he knew. Somewhere deep within her closet, she had found a nice skirt and blouse, and she had left her actually rather pretty hair down. "Glad to see you're awake," she smiled sweetly. "You gave us quite a scare."

Roy gaped at her. "What's gotten into you, all of a sudden?"

"Oh," she laughed, "I just decided that life is too short to spend worrying if your coworkers are staring at your butt or not."

This was too deep for Roy. He turned his attention to his favorite subject, himself. "What happened to my eyes? I thought I used to have two."

Riza smiled phonily. "Why, um... you lost in... in that fight with the Fuhrer."

Her patient frowned. "That wasn't it, though... because I had it when I got out... and then Archer was there,"

Riza, searching silently around for an object to hit him over the head with causally, thus blocking the memories, clapped her hands. "Yes, that's right! He shot you! Just before I got there."

"Yeah," Roy mumbled. "That must have been it... wait! I took a bullet through the eye, why aren't I dead?"

"Well, it turns out that you don't have any brain cells left in that side of your head. All the alcohol you've downed over the years has melted them away," Riza beamed, moving over to a pushcart full of food. "Here, sweetie, are you hungry?"

Roy watched her thoughtfully. "I liked you better when you were a militant bitch."

Riza slapped him.

"Ok, everything's cool now," Roy decided, just as an army tank crashed through the wall, screeching to a halt inches from Roy's bed.

"See! I told you I could figure out how to stop this thing!" Havoc declared, climbing out, followed by his severely-shaken regiment.

"You ran out of gas," Feury pointed out, twitching.

"Which stopped it, duh," Havoc muttered. "Hey, Mustang, we heard how everything turned out, Armstrong figured out how to work the radio, and Ross filled us in. Isn't it weird that you're probably going to take over the country someday, and you've got an eyepatch on the same eye as the Fuhrer, so it'll be creepy, like you're channeling his spirit or something, and the whole vicious cycle repeats itself? Isn't that cool? We were talking about it on the way down here."

"Shut up," Roy snapped. And they all had a good laugh. Riza even brought out a very expensive bottle of wine that she had lifted out of the Fuhrer's mansion on her way out the door, and they had a little after-giant dangerous climatic battle- party.


	3. The Fifth Lab

Twisted StoryArch Masterpiece Theater Presents:

The 5th Lab

An explanation: I didn't get to see the 5th episode(s) when they first came out, but I got a rather garbled play-by-play from my three more fortunate friends. This is how one of them who had just started watching the series told it (all in one breath);

"So, Ed was there, and this creepy upside down guy was whispering all creepy and Lust was like, "make us human, or I'll scratch your brother," and Ed was like "who are you" and Lust was like "We've got everything you need" and there were all these prisoners, and Al was like "urgh" and Envy was like "kick" and there was red stuff flying everywhere and Scar bursts in, which doesn't make a whole lot of sense because he hates Ed, and the Sins kill these guards and run out, and nobody notices them, and it was awesome."

The 5th Lab is his favorite episode.

Given this spotchy description, I pieced together the following version of the 5th Lab, written down here for the first time, to share with you. Lucky you.

---------------------------

"Y'know, brother, for an old laboratory, this place is kind of prison-dungeon-creepy," Al observed as he and his older brother entered the infamous 5th Lab (conveniently located between the 4th and 6th labs).

"Yeah, that is pretty weird. Oh well, just don't ask me any questions right now. I'm trying to figure out what we're doing here, ok, Al?" No response. Ed looked up. "Al? Where'd you go?" Silence. "Crap. Why does this always happen to me?"

"_Because you're blond, and blonds have all the fun,_" whispered the creepy-upside-down-bear-guy/Nina's-crazy-child-murdering-father, stepping out of the shadows and giving Ed a heart attack. "_I'm the creepy-upside-down-bear-guy/Nina's-crazy-child-murdering-father, but you can call me Bob. I'll be your tour guide for the evening, please, follow me._"

-----------------------

Greed tossed the rubber ball at the far wall of his cell. It bounced off it, bounced off the floor, and bounced back into his hand. "9,927."

Toss. Bounce. Bounce. "9,928."

Bounce bounce. "9,929."

Bounce bounce. "9,930."

Somebody must have turned on the old Improbability Drive, because the ground shook, and Greed's prison cell was split open.

"Whoa. Well, 9,930 always has been my lucky number," Greed shrugged, never one to look a gift horse in the mouth. Tears in his eyes, the sin kissed Mr. Snuffleufagus (his bouncy ball and long-time companion) farewell, left him for the next prisoner, then jumped out of his cell, screaming, "JAILBREAK!"

-------------------------

Al had made a new friend, Jerry the Amazing Talking Armor.

"Nice to meet you Jerry! I'm Alphonse the Possessed Armor!"

"Oh, are you a prisoner, too?"

"Ah..." Al laughed nervously. "I gotta go,"

------------------------

The voices in Scar's head told him to go to the 5th Lab. So he did.

------------------------

Meanwhile, another group was going for a little picnic at the ever-popular 5th Lab. And who should it be but Lust, Gluttony, some assorted guys from the prison down the block, and a random military official who died a few episodes back and no one noticed, played by Envy.

Gluttony tugged at Lust's dress, which, miraculously, didn't come off. "Lust," he whispered in a alarmed little child-of-the-corn voice. "This is the Bad Place."

Lust shook him off. "Yes, dear, you already pointed that out. HEY!" she snapped at a couple of prisoners who were trying to sneak off. "Get back here!"

"Say, where'd you meet the babe?" leered one of the humans standing closest to Envy, obviously mistaking him for a military official that he was friends with. "Bet she's great sex."

"Ew. With Lust?" shuddered Envy.

------------------------------

Eventually, herding their captives around got too hectic, so they locked them in the elevator and went to look around.

Lust ran a hand through her hair. "God, what a headache humans are.

"Lust, we're in the Bad Place," Gluttony felt it necessary to remind her.

Here," she handed a set of keys to him. "Why don't you run up to the parking lot and get mommy's 'special' aspirin out of the car?"

Just then, Scar, now somewhat lost, spotted them and walked up to ask for directions. "Excuse me, ma'am, do you—," Lust turned around. Scar gasped. "YOU!"

"You!" gasped Lust.

"You two know each other?" Envy asked, only to be ignored.

"Where did you get that face?" Scar growled.

"What in the hell kind of question is that?" Envy whispered to Gluttony.

Lust wasn't phased by the odd question, though. She rolled her eyes, as sarcastic as ever. "The plastic surgeon's. Where did you get yours, the Day-After-Halloween Sale?"

She turned to go, but Scar couldn't stand to let her have the last word. "Whore!"

Lust snapped back around. "Scarface!"

"You don't have a soul!"

"You don't have a name!"

"I do to! It's... um..."

"Scar isn't a name, you pathetic human."

"Neither is Lust, you worthless abomination."

"All right, that's it," Lust snapped her fingers at Gluttony. "Take care of him." she ordered, exiting with Envy at her heels.

Scar almost laughed at the oversized beanbag chair about to attack him, but laughter isn't really a Scar thing. "Are you really the best defense she has?"

Gluttony punched him in the stomach. "Never mind," wheezed the Ishbalan, doubling over in pain and falling into Greed's cell. "Hey, whose bouncy ball is this?"

------------------------

"Envy, stop following me!" Lust snapped. "Go get the prisoners."

"Yes, O wise and powerful leader,"

"And stop the sarcasm."

-------------------------

The prisoners were having a fairly good time. In fact, they were discovering that there was a celebrity entertainer in their midst, Zolf "Crimson" Kimblee, who was showing off his neat party trick.

"Did you know that humans contain most of the elements required to make fireworks?" he asked with a grin, patting a nearby guy on the shoulder. People loved his "Splody" act.

---------------------------

Al was looking for either A) his brother, B) and exit, or C) Visitor Information when he ran into Lust, who, of course, was just pleased as punch to see him. The same can't be said for Al.

"Well, well, well, if it isn't little Alphonse."

"Who are you? How- how do you know my name?"

"I know your name because we've been stalking you," the mysterious woman murmured.

Al spun around, foolishly exposing his back. "We?"

"The other homunculi and I, of course."

"... homunculi? But, that's impossible!" sputtered the little boy whose soul was trapped in a spare suit of armor and who was on a quest to find the mythical Philosopher's Stone. Lust would have laughed at the irony of this, but laughter isn't really a Lust thing. "It is impossible for you to be a homunculus," Al told her, or, rather, told the camera, trying to throw in a definition for the viewing audience. "An imitation of human life, perfect except for it's lack of a soul. Thought to be the results of human transmutation."

"Well... You know what? Shut up. I exist if you like it or not, so just shut your big metal trap and follow me."

Al hung back, and Lust speared his arm with a fingernail. "Boy, don't make me get my acrylics on you."

-----------------------

It was two a.m. at Military Headquarters. So what were Mustang, Hughes, Hawkeye, and Ross doing there?

I'll tell you what they were doing. They were stealing a desk from a rival office for Roy's new apartment.

"Ok, on the count of three, lift!" Hughes ordered. "One, two, three,"

Grunting and huffing, the four burglars inched their way down the hall, slowly turning a corner, and bumping (literally) into Fuhrer Bradley, a vaguely comical Military official who spent much of his time (so far as anyone could tell) bungling around the office making corny jokes.

"Why, hello, everybody!"

Startled and caught red-handed, three of the four dropped the desk, which landed on Roy's foot.

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUCH! God damn freaking jargabargadingdong!" the colonel swore unintelligibly under his breath, hoping around on one foot behind his comrades, who were trying to saluting and hide the desk behind them all the while making it look like they hadn't been doing anything wrong.

"Good evening, sir!" the remaining three greeted a little more cheerily than necessary. "What are you doing here this time of night?"

"Actually, I live here most of the time," Bradley shrugged, indicating the blue pajamas he was wearing in place of his uniform. "What are you four doing here?"

Ross and Riza sputtered, but, fortunately, Hughes always had an investigation on the verge of crisis up his sleeve. "The Fifth Lab, sir, we've received semi-reliable intelligence that something big will be going down there tonight, and we thought we would... tell you."

"Of course. We should have torn that thing down years ago, it's always been a magnet for rats and drug addicts." (For reasons that were to come out later in the series, Fuhrer Bradley already knew that Lust, Gluttony, and Envy would be kicking around down there, and he was also probably aware that any place that Lust, Gluttony, and Envy worked on one of their "foolproof" plans in is destined to disappear in a puff of alchemy and police investigation.) "I'll call reinforcements right away."

Hughes, Ross, and Riza looked at each other, hardly daring to believe he had actually bought it. "Maes, you are a genius."

Hughes smiled. "Why, thank you. Hurry up, let's get this desk into my van before he comes back."

------------------------

"Whoa!" Ed staggered back in momentary shock, staring around the room he and "Bob" had entered, which was full of what appeared to be giant red lava lamps. "It's well lit! I didn't see that one coming."

"_And now, to business_," Bob whispered, closing the door behind him. "_Do you think that you could make a Philosopher's Stone out of the junk in here? We're trying to clean house._"

"Oh, sure. Sounds good," Ed shrugged, getting ready to clap his hands together when, suddenly, Lust and Al entered, Al walking in that paranoid gait of someone who is being held at fingernail point.

"All right, make us a Philosopher's Stone, or I'll scratch your little brother's seal off!"

Ed's obnoxious rebel-against-authority reflex kicked in. "NEVER!"

"_You whore!_" Bob snapped-whispered. "_I was doing just fine on my own! Come on, Edward, I'm sure she's joking... just make the Stone,_"

Ed wavered, clearly thinking of getting Al's body back. After all, the Philosopher's Stone was the very thing that they were questing for.

At this critical moment, Envy (still disguised as that dead guy), walked in with Gluttony (who ran to join Lust) and the prisoners... er, what was left of them after Kimblee was done with his act.

"Oh, and, just to make sure that this little experiment works correctly, we have a few extra ingredients for you," Lust smiled brightly. "We got them off death row at the prison."

Ed went pale, pointing at the prisoner's leader, who he obviously knew was dead. "Who the hell are you?"

"That depends. I can be anyone you want me to be," the man smirked, transforming into a scantily clad, spiky haired homunculus of uncertain age and gender. "But, we aren't here to talk about me. Are you going to make that stone on your own, or do I have to taunt you, Pipsqueak?"

Ed went nuts. "Who are you calling so tiny that you want to smush him like a baby ant!"

"Brother," Al started, only to have Gluttony, still traumatized by his brush with 'the Bad Place' comfort himself by taking a huge bite out of Al's leg.

Envy burst into hysterical, insane laughter. "We're threatening your little brother, the one person that you continue to live for, if you don't kill all these people, and all you're worried about is that I called you short?"

"Well, we know where shorty's priorities lie, don't we, now?" drawled Lust.

"Uh, pain?" Al tried to call some attention to himself as Gluttony worked his way up his thigh.

"Shut up, Al," snapped Envy, Lust, Ed, Bob, and a few of the prisoners. Then, in an act of complete random anger, Envy kicked Ed upside the head, knocking the poor boy to the ground.

"Envy," Lust admonished. "You can't hurt him, we need him to make us that stone so we can get souls, remember?"

"But he's whiny and self-righteous and short and blond and he looks like," Envy broke off his list of Ed's faults to kick him again.

"Well, he can't help what he looks like, so stop." Lust ordered. "Now, Edward, let's be reasonable."

"No!" shouted Ed. "You twisted psycho! How can you even suggest that I turn these convicted murderers and pedophiles already on death row for hideous crimes into a Philosopher's Stone that is the very thing I'm looking for? That's sick!"

"Very well," Lust sighed, moving over to what was left of Al. "Gluttony! What are you doing?"

"I— I was hungry," Gluttony whispered. "And we were in the Bad Place, and,"

"Glut," sighed Lust exasperatedly. Envy took advantage of his babysitter's distraction to kick Ed again.

"Envy!" Lust scolded. "You are in so much trouble, young man,"

Afraid of Lust when she got angry, Gluttony took another bite of his favorite comfort food, Al.

"Gluttony!"

Meanwhile, the prisoners were filing out the door.

Scar's superpowers allowed him to know exactly what was going on, despite not being present for most of it, and he used his Arm of Destruction to smash through the wall into the room, destroying the lava lamps and sending red water everywhere. "Get out of here, FullMetal! Your brother needs you!"

"Oh shit," muttered Envy, Lust, and Gluttony, making a break for the exits.

Scar's arrival turned out to be a blessing in disguise for them, because the Military had just sent in a bunch of troops, and a few minutes more, and they would have been caught in an ambush. As it was, they managed to be the ambushers, stealing a couple of ill-fitting uniforms off of the bodies of their victims.

---------------------------

Juliette Douglas, better known as "That Workaholic Secretary on the Third Floor" was in a bad mood, and she didn't quite know how to communicate that fact to her boss. "Ok, Bradley, do you see that light coming up over that chimney over there?" she asked, pointing.

"You mean the sun?"

"Exactly. Now, can you think of any reason whatsoever that would compel me to be up before sunrise staring at an old laboratory?"

The building exploded, shooting off a series of firework-like sparks, doubtless the result of mixing a bunch of alchemy-related material together and setting it on fire.

"Come on, Julie, that was kinda cool."

"Not cool enough for me to be up at dawn."

They had just fallen silent when three soldiers strode casually out of the inferno: a nondescript man, a well-endowed woman, and a lumpy short object that might have been humanoid. "Good job, soldiers," she smiled encouragingly as they saluted her.

Perfectly aware that the three of them had just failed miserably at their mission, Envy continued to stare straight ahead, like the rest of them. It would be dangerous to call attention to himself, and to Sloth, by confronting her, but he sure would have liked to. "She's mocking us, isn't she?" he whispered to Lust.

"Yup," Lust replied calmly. "Just keep walking."

---------------------------

As for Ed, he awoke the next day in the hospital, to find Hughes, who had stopped in to check on him after dropping Roy off to get his foot looked at. The first thing he wanted to know of course, was how Al was doing, and Hughes was quick to assure him that his little brother was fine. (This was somewhat untruthful; Al was still alive, but he was half eaten and feeling suicidal. In fact, as Ed and Maes talked, Winry was talking the younger Elric down from the roof.)

"Now, Ed, I'm curious. What exactly happened in that lab?"

Piecing together what he could remember, Ed embarked on a story even more twisted and plot-hole filled than a typical Twisted Storyarch Masterpiece. His verbal skills ended up failing him, and he ended up sketching pictures of the homunculi out on a cocktail napkin that Hughes happened to have in his pocket.

"Lust called this one Envy," he explained, holding up a horrible stick figure of Envy. "I think this is his true form, but he could change,"

"He? That's a guy?" Hughes asked, squinting at Ed's artwork. "But... maybe it's just the way you drew him, but it has breasts and a skirt. Are you sure that it's not a girl?"

"I thought so at first, but he kicked me in the head, and he's wearing that miniskirt, and... and... and, I saw things," the little blond alchemist shuddered, wishing he could claw his eyes out.

Hughes hugged him. "There, there. Just repress it, son, it'll all be ok."

"I want to, believe me, but..." Ed paused for dramatic effect. "I get the feeling that I haven't seen the last of Envy's miniskirt," he said prophetically, just as the music to start the end credits began to roll.

---------------------

End of Twisted Storyarch Masterpiece Theater.


End file.
